Hello! I know it’s been a while, but it’s Courtney here.
I just wanted to give you guys a little insight into what’s been going on. As I may have mentioned, I’m a college student. I won’t be able to say that much longer, because today I will be turning in my final assignment and will be considered a college graduate in about a week. It’s exciting! I will be graduating with a Certificate in Media Communications. It’s the first step in my journey towards bigger and better things.
Meanwhile, I’ve been working hard towards this goal, which is why I took a hiatus. I plan for this to change soon, so that I can return to making these informative blog posts that some of you know (and maybe even love). I know that I love doing them, but due to time I haven’t been able to accomplish them as often as I’d like to.
I plan on returning sometime around late September/early October to a regular, once-a-week schedule if possible. For now, that’s the plan. I wanted to take the time get those brain-juices flowing and get a few previously prepared blog posts under my belt before going LIVE.
So, that leads me to the question of…. What do you want to read about? What do you want me to discuss more of? I have some ideas, but I like getting feedback as well. So, feel free to comment, or Tweet me your thoughts @IndieBrainer! I get updates on my phone so if I don’t happen to see it immediately, don’t worry, I’ll see it soon! I do try to respond whenever possible. I’m working on adding Twitter to a daily task of mine. Let’s conversate!
Thanks for sticking with me through this process! I really appreciate the support! Stay tuned!
If you or someone you know is struggling, please don’t hesitate. Get help. If you’d like crisis or suicide (both emergency and non-emergency) helpline information, my blog post about suicide and medications has resources. You are not alone. Thank you for reading, sincerely, and don’t forget to share. Follow me on Twitter and Pinterest (info at the bottom) @IndieBrainer. Let’s have a conversation.
In the spirit of “420” (April 20th), I figured it would be appropriate to dive into the world of using various forms of cannabis for medicinal purposes, otherwise known as “medical marijuana”. The practice has been legalized in many U.S. states, but not all, and it has been both praised for its use and also demonized. Many people turn to it (whether through a licensed provider or via their friendly neighborhood “street pharmacist”) when all else fails, or when their current methods do more harm than good. Others find refuge in it when they simply cannot get help elsewhere. In more recent years, more and more people have admitted to using some form of cannabis for health purposes. With its popularity on the rise, I hope to take an unbiased look on the matter and to provide some knowledge in a sometimes confusing atmosphere. First, to get on the same page, we must define common terms and dispel common myths in this field so that we can truly understand what the high (or lack thereof) is all about. Here are some common terms and ideas that you should get acquainted with before we proceed. Unlike what you may think, not all terms are universally interchangeable, and the difference can be very important when getting down to the specifics of it all.
Cannabis – A tall plant with a stiff upright stem, divided serrated leaves, and glandular hairs. It is used to produce hemp fiber and as a drug. It contains chemical compounds including THC and CBD, and has variations derived from it (such as hemp and marijuana). A dried preparation of the flowering tops or other parts of the cannabis plant, or a resinous extract of it ( cannabis resin ), smoked or consumed, generally illegally, as a psychoactive (mind-altering) drug.
Marijuana – A form of cannabis, usually smoked to achieve a psychoactive feeling. Federally illegal, many states have legalized its use for medical and/or recreational purposes.
Weed/Pot – The often slang phrases that are associated with marijuana. There are many interchangeable terms, but these are the two most common used when describing the illegal usage of marijuana.
Hemp – (Ministry of Hemp says): “Hemp is completely different from marijuana in its function, cultivation and application. But these differences didn’t stop our political leaders from getting confused and accidentally grouping all Cannabis species as a Schedule I Drug and banning it in 1970 under the Controlled Substances Act. Even after 45 years, the government still seems to have some confusion in distinguishing the two plants. Although legislation is being made, progress has been slow. In its application, hemp and marijuana serve completely different purposes. Marijuana, as it is widely known, is used for medicinal or recreational purposes. Hemp is used in variety of other applications that marijuana couldn’t possibly be used in. These include healthy dietary supplements, skin products, clothing, and accessories. Overall, hemp is known to have over 25,000 possible applications“.
THC – “Tetrahydrocannabinol”. A crystalline compound that is the main active ingredient of cannabis. The psychoactive chemical compound most known in cannabis for giving people the well-known “high” feeling when smoked or consumed. This is illegal in most of the U.S. or illegal under certain circumstances.
CBD – “Cannabidiol”. The non-psychoactive chemical compound in cannabis, often used for medicinal, healing, or relaxing purposes. The legality of products using CBD is still debated.
Hemp Seed Oil vs. CBD Oil – Theses are oils derived from Hemp or CBD compounds respectively, mainly used for symptom relief or relaxation. Here’s a quick and simple recap on the difference between the two, but TL:DR, Heep Seed Oil is the lower grade product and is more likely to not give off any healing effects, while CBD Oil is more likely to help you in a medicinal manner, but beware. It sometimes can also be infused with THC, so read your labels carefully and do your homework on any companies selling these products before you purchase anything. The terminology is often mislabeled and confuses the two terms for the same thing. They’re not.
What does the research say?
Well, it doesn’t. Cannabis is currently referred to in the U.S. as a “Schedule 1” drug, meaning researchers cannot easily study it, if at all, due to federal guidelines. This means that the information we know about marijuana (medical or not) is very limited and sometimes easily biased. We simply don’t have the proof necessary to put this case to rest because lawmakers refuse to allow us to find out the good, the bad, and the ugly. This also causes what little information we do have to sometimes cause contradictions to previous findings. Researchers cannot attempt to duplicate studies as often as necessary to find hard evidence, and often they are only funded to try to find the negative effects, not the positive ones. Research bias plays its role, leaving the general public in a guessing game and opponents of it on the metaphorical high ground.
The History of Cannabis, and Why It Was Banned:
Here’s a quick history of cannabis, and why it was banned in the U.S., as told by the show “Adam Ruins Everything”. (Full Episode available online and on Netflix).
Where We Are On Legalization (Medical and Recreational):
Here’s an interactive map detailing the current laws for each U.S. state when it comes to marijuana. It has a lot of important information, and(as of writing this) was last updated March 2019.
Countries around the world that are “420 friendly”:
Thanks to the 2018 Farm Bill, hemp and CBD products are (more or less) legalized, as they were taken off the Federal list of Schedule 1 drugs. This allows farmers of hemp and CBD products to now buy crop insurance and other perks of being legalized. While this industry has now become extremely popular and profitable and will continue to do so, take a step back before giving up your “9 to 5” job to become a farmer. Thanks to the wording of the bill, hemp has been legalized for research purposes and commercial only (so far). Of course, if you’re willing to take that route, by all means. Just don’t expect Etsy to back you anytime soon.
Although hemp is now no longer a schedule 1 substance and federally legalized for commercial growth and sales, the specifics of the bill leave room for states to put restrictions on its use and growth in the future. Only time will tell how this changes. Many states have already began to put stipulations to how CBD is used and who can consume it, such as confining the product to not be infused with foods before distribution due to safety concerns and lack of FDA recommended dosing averages available. This leaves room for potentially wild variations in dosages from product to product or brand to brand, leaving consumers to play trial and error with their intake amounts.
So, Why Is This Important?
You can find many people advocating for medical marijuana, from PTSD-affected veterans to your everyday grandma that struggles with arthritis. Since invisible illnesses (such as mental health disorders) make up a majority of all ailments that cause people in the U.S. to get disability payments and cause them to not work, I think it’s important to address why most people claim to use medical marijuana: anxiety. Some claim that marijuana can help, while others say it makes symptoms worse. Experts claim that sometimes the type of strain makes a difference depending on the illness you wish to treat. The two most through around terms are the Sativa and Indica strains, which sometimes are referred to by fancier names but usually make up most versions you may hear about. You can read a short description about them here, or click here to learn about the plants themselves, but the overall consensus is that these strains are good for depression, while these work well for treating anxiety. You can read more about how medical marijuana works for the body and mind here.
While doctors cannot legally tell the average patient to try marijuana for their conditions (unless they live in a place that it is medically legalized and have the licensing to do so), that does not mean they don’t want to. This video explains a survey done about this topic. You can read more here.
While I am one to watch the news when it comes to legalization of cannabis in any form, I only do so because (from my experience) it helps people, especially those suffering from things like anxiety. Even when wanting to take an unbiased look at it all, I find myself wanting to promote its use. I cannot recommend anything illegal, but I can advocate making it legal in the near future. It seems when you speak to people on either side of the debate, the general opinion tends to be a “when it gets legalized” conversation, not an “if it does” one. While we still have to wait on the research, and what we do know makes us err caution for certain usage circumstances (such as smoke inhalation dangers and underage use being questionable), I think it has the potential to do more good than bad. If it were legalized today, technology and science can work together to make it safer for consumers and more personalized towards each individual’s independent needs. While physical relief can be appealing, mental/psychological relief is even more so. We are only beginning to understand what cannabis (in all its forms) can do, and that’s mostly thanks to people who would rather seek relief than follow a perhaps unjust law. I’m not going to debate or tell you what to think, but I’ve laid out the evidence and information that I feel is relevant and could gather in a short amount of time. Do with that what you will.
If you would like my opinion, it’s this: allow of-age people to have the freedom to seek out medical treatment for it at the very least. Give the doctors and patients the power to work together to figure out the best course of action for that patient, whatever that may be. We won’t know the effects until we try and learn and research it truly and fully. Educate people, both potential patients and everyday citizens, of safe use protocols and update them as needed. We can adapt as we go, but in the meantime, people need the relief, not another buffet of pills that don’t help nearly as much. As someone with anxiety, I know I could use something better than the current treatment plan, and I’m not the only one.
Thank you for reading with an open mind.
-Courtney.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please don’t hesitate. Get help. If you’d like crisis or suicide (both emergency and non-emergency) helpline information, my blog post about suicide and medications has resources. You are not alone. Thank you for reading, sincerely, and don’t forget to share. Follow me on Twitter and Pinterest (info at the bottom) @IndieBrainer. Let’s have a conversation.
For many people who live with mental illness, it is hard to hold down a job or find one you are even remotely comfortable with pursuing, simply because the complications and challenges a mental illness can have. This may include inability to get certain jobs or do certain tasks, not being able to keep those jobs, or needing accommodations such as extra time off for doctor appointments. Even with an increase in awareness, it can still be a difficult process to navigate. A person with mental illness may not know how to ask for help or may not feel comfortable with disclosing their medical situation to their employer for fear of discrimination. If they do inform their employer, they may not take you seriously or understand how your illness affects you and your work. Many people don’t even get that far, because the thought of applying for a job that you may not be able to keep can be a frightening and overwhelming task. I know from personal experience how daunting that can be.
While I’d argue that the inability to work is one of the most overlooked topics when it comes to mental health awareness, it can also be perhaps one of the most devastating ones to deal with and the hardest to talk about. It can cause a person who struggles with it to have a shady work history (making it harder to find a job), low self-esteem, feelings of isolation, and financial issues (like not having enough money to pay bills).
According to these articles by the Evening Standard and The Atlantic, science backs up the idea that not working is actually working against your health. When you’re not working because of your health, the negative effects probably worsen. If you’re not “healthy” to begin with, it’s harder to fight off any illnesses or symptoms to come. But it’s a “catch 22”. If your health gets worse when you work and when you don’t work, what can you do?
Many people resort to government assistance in order to survive, such as receiving disability payments or help with paying for housing. Of course, it can be a difficult process to tangle with as there is often an initial denial, followed by an appeals process if the person chooses to pursue it further. A lot of “red tape” can get in the way and make the issues you face progressively worse as time goes on. If you do eventually receive benefits of any kind, it is usually still a struggle to make ends meet, despite programs that are supposedly designed to cover most expenses if you meet their participation criteria.
Many people do not wish to pursue this process due to these reasons, or because they simply don’t want to give up working and being financially independent. That’s fine, but that leaves sufferers to be forced to attempt to work when perhaps they may or may not be able to do so without assistance or problems occurring. As one woman explains it, working with a mental illness is no walk in the park, and it can be a struggle to decide whether to disclose to potential or current employers her condition and the accommodations she needs. As someone with anxiety, I know making that decision is not an easy one.
Personally, I only recall telling one of my previous employers about my depression and anxiety. I decided to do this after he was open about his own issues, so I believed he could understand and find ways to help me. While he did try, the attempts fell flat and ultimately, he didn’t truly understand how bad my condition had gotten by that point. That job ended with me putting in my two-weeks notice, and then not being able to finish them out when I had a breakdown in the parking lot when I was supposed to go in for one of my last shifts. I was frozen with fear and panic. I’m not proud of that moment, but luckily I have been getting help since then while I wasn’t able to before. There were many factors in my life that contributed to that day, but thankfully my life and mental state are in better standing now, and I work hard to keep it that way.
Speaking of disability benefits, The Mighty (a health-topic support website) asked their audience the difficulties of applying for help, to which many people had plenty to say about the process. Meanwhile, I came across an article that states that not working may actually be a good thing (or what to do if you don’t work), and another one that says you need both work and play. In fact, the idea of “play” is so important that the psychology of play was one of my required classes in college. But with all of these conflicting theories of the “do work, don’t work” conundrum, what should you do?
While I don’t claim to know the answers, I will say this: do what you think works for you. Each and every person is different, and so is their situation. Sometimes, at one time it may be better to stay home, and later it may be better to work. Situations change, but don’t ever push yourself past your limit. Don’t be afraid to try if you think there’s a chance you can handle it, but if you begin to fall, reach out for help. There are support groups if you cannot see a doctor. Confide in a friend, family member, coworker or employer if you feel comfortable. But most of all, don’t give up on finding happiness. What doesn’t work today may be the thing that makes you successful down the road. Like the Disney movie “Meet The Robinsons’,” just Keep Moving Forward until you get where you’re going, and then keep going some more. Good luck in those pursuits, my peers.
-Courtney.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please don’t hesitate. Get help. If you’d like crisis or suicide (both emergency and non-emergency) helpline information, my blog post about suicide and medications has resources. You are not alone. Thank you for reading, sincerely, and don’t forget to share. Follow me on Twitter and Pinterest (info at the bottom) @IndieBrainer. Let’s have a conversation.
Note: When looking for images for this post, I Googled “working disabled”, and I kid you not, almost every single image on the first page was of a person in a wheelchair. If this doesn’t tell you about stigma in the mental health world, then I don’t know what will, considering there are more people on disability is the U.S. for an “invisible illness” than any other type of disability. Maybe I’ll gather the full data on it and make a post about it, but it is startling to see this. “Disabled” does not mean physically crippled in all cases, yet this is what shows up as representation. Yikes. We have a long way to go.
In my (almost) 23 years of life, I have done a lot based on what I perceived as “publicly acceptable” in whatever environment I was in. I have hidden who I truly am to the point that I even deluded myself. I have pretended to be okay with things I certainly wasn’t comfortable with. I have rejected myself time and time again because I didn’t think I was worthy of acceptance because I didn’t fit in with the criteria that I believed was considered by others to be normal or good. This especially impacts my self-esteem, even to this day. I bring this up because I know this is something many people struggle with, and it contributes to other issues within their lives as well, such as developing depression, self-harming, or developing an eating disorder.
If you’ve never truly struggled with low self-esteem on a daily basis, then I assume you don’t exist (just kidding), but here’s what it looks like:
I wake up and get on with my morning routine. I go to the bathroom, but I avoid looking at myself in the mirror as I’m getting ready. When I eventually have to look, let’s say to fix my hair or something, I immediately notice everything that I dislike about myself. My frizzy, unmanageable hair. My freckles that I’ve been bullied about since I can remember; that I’ve tried to learn to love over the years but still sometimes can’t. My crooked teeth because I never got braces. It’s the reason I don’t smile with my mouth open in pictures, and I cringe internally every time someone tries to make me do just that, (which they usually do very publicly). My eyebrows, that I can never get quite right and was also badly teased about them growing up. My eyelashes, that used to be one of my best features now have diminished to thin, barely-there attractions due to over-rubbing when I cried. When I go out with makeup on, I feel a little better, but I also feel like a fraud. Did I over-do it with my eyeshadow? My mascara? Someone once told me that I looked like I was feeling better than I had been before, but they didn’t realize that was the first time I bothered wearing makeup in front of them. The compliment meant well, but it backfired without her knowledge.
When I confide with my significant other about my lack of enthusiasm when it comes to my appearance, he does what any good boyfriend would do and tries to reassure me that I look fine and that he likes all my little quirks, but ultimately it doesn’t make a difference in my opinion. I’m like a garden. You can rain sunshine down on me, but if I’m covered with a tarp of disbelief, then I will not grow and flourish.
I have pictures that I’ve modeled for that make me look like I’m beautiful and that I’m trying to make a career out of my looks, but when you have these long-internalized feelings, almost nothing can make you believe what lies outside. It causes me to be sheepish and meek on a daily basis, and believe people when they are bold enough to tell me I’m ugly to my face (and they have). I didn’t quite realize how bad it was until one boy in elementary school actually stood up for me, but by then I had already internalized so much that without professional intervention, I was only going to get worse. Middle school didn’t make things better whatsoever, and when I did try to speak up, I didn’t know how to vocalize my emotions. What little help I did receive on the matter (one session with a school counselor), she simply told me to ignore all the bullies, pretending they didn’t exist and that I was a princess with my own little desk-castle, and they couldn’t break my imaginary border walls. Yeah, okay. Twelve-year-old me learned to shut up about my problems real quick after that.
Today, at 22, I try my best to overcome these issues and remind myself that everyone has flaws, and mine don’t disqualify me from love, both from others and from myself. It’s a hard thing to accept, but I work at it everyday, and I’m trying to learn to be more open about my struggles. When I was in high school, I had a mirror in my room that I would use every day while getting ready for school. It was your typical, long and tall vertical mirror. It wasn’t anything fancy, but I discovered the power of putting up positive messages for myself to read each day. At first, they began as little sticky notes with quotes I found online or heard elsewhere. Things like “The only ‘B’-word a girl should be called is Beautiful”, or something as simple as “You’re worth it”. It sounds cheesy now, but they played a role in my self-esteem. Extracurricular activities and friendships and relationships aided this, but when I looked into that mirror every morning, I felt good about myself for a change.
Eventually, (and I don’t remember how I uncovered this, but), I realized that I could use dry-erase markers to write messages directly on the mirror itself. I spent many hours drawing cute doodles, writing meaningful song lyrics, and adding more quotes in various colors to my mirror. I’d design it, and then re-design it over and over again until my heart was content. Perhaps I’ll get another mirror like it and start it up again, once my living situation spares room for it. I guess if you see positive things, you begin to believe them after a while (and with a lot of effort).
Part of my problem, I will acknowledge, is that back then I spent a significant amount of time on my appearance, as most high school girls do. I cut and dyed my hair somewhat-often. I made time for makeup and listened to music while doing so. I was more social, and picked up little tips here and there from seeing them or being told about them. Nowadays, I’ll lucky to get an un-interrupted shower, but that’s motherhood. I have more things to worry about than getting to school on time and whether I was grounded or not. Though, my teenage years were not easy by any means, no matter how much I may occasionally downplay them. It’s just that I was often left without a phone or way to contact people (by the choice of my parent) so I had to spend the time finding other things to do, and I guess that was one of my hobbies.
Yesterday, I decided to update the dry-erase whiteboard I have hanging in my room. It was the first time in a long time (longer than six months) that I have done that. I chose to write to phrases on there to encourage me: “Be confident” (my new year’s resolution) and “Do Something That Makes You Feel Pretty”. I don’t do enough self-care when it comes to beautifying myself, and when I do get around to it, I feel better afterwards. My grandmother took me to a salon to get my hair and nails done this past Christmas, and despite my inner protests of “not needing it”, I really enjoyed how I felt afterwards. It’s a hard personal lesson in self-care I suppose, but one I should take into consideration more often. I feel better and more confident when I enjoy how I look, and if I can’t naturally feel that way, then giving myself a helpful boost is okay. At least it can help me find beauty in myself again until I can do it without all the makeup, the hair dye, and the shiny nails. One step at a time. To take a quote from my mom:
“Makeup isn’t about covering yourself up, but enhancing the beauty you already have”.
A note I wrote to myself in 2012. You thought I was kidding, didn’t you?
I’ll leave you all with this: Negative self talk: 3 simple steps to let go of self-doubt. It’s a good first start to better self-esteem and self confidence. The article focuses on acknowledging your bad habits in this arena and how to take control of the situation. Another good tip is something my therapist taught me: When you have a bad or negative thought (about yourself), try to replace it with two positive ones. If you do this enough, in theory, you’ll train yourself to think more positively from the get-go. I’m still figuring this one out myself, but it’s worth passing on the information. Training your brain is more powerful a weapon than we may ever realize, so give it a go. Good luck, and you are an amazing person deserving of love; don’t forget that.
-Courtney.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please don’t hesitate. Get help. If you’d like crisis or suicide (both emergency and non-emergency) helpline information, my blog post about suicide and medications has resources. You are not alone. Thank you for reading, sincerely, and don’t forget to share. Follow me on Twitter and Pinterest (info at the bottom) @IndieBrainer. Let’s have a conversation.
This is another post that is less fact-heavy, and more of me droning on about my life. I hope that’s okay, because sometimes that’s easier to get my thoughts out (however chaotic they may be) than trying to focus on researching information. My next post should be more educational, so please hang tight.
Tonight, I’ll be discussing something that clutters my mind quite a lot: not having a full diagnosis.
While it’s been a few years since I’ve heard the terms “Major Depressive Disorder” and “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” when a psychiatrist described me, that’s not all that’s wrong. Whether I’ve had quiet stirrings all along, or I’ve recently developed more conditions since my last full evaluation, I’m not sure. I know my anger is new, for example. Sometimes I struggle to control it. It might have started during my pregnancy, or it might be completely postpartum. Hormones run wild during pregnancy, so it’s hard to tell. Plus, I didn’t exactly have the smoothest of situations at the time.
Speaking of postpartum, my depression worsened during the first few months after birth. Being a new mother is hard, and living with depression is hard, but this was like a wave on uncontrollable emotions hitting me with the force of a cat. 5 hurricane. Nothing can prepare you for that, and it seemed like nothing could slow it down as well. I was already on anti-depressant medications at the time and I tried to prepare for the worst, but it wasn’t enough. No one told me that within two or so days after birth your hormones suddenly do something that I refer to as “the flip”. Suddenly, you’re crying more than your newborn with all the responsibilities of a new mom, and the learning curve doesn’t care about your inexperience. You’re are also recovering from what probably was a traumatic experience, with heavy physical demand no matter how it happened. Even for someone like me, (who wasn’t even conscious during my son’s birth), I still had a difficult process. Of course, that’s a story for another time.
Anyways, back on topic.
Not having answers to “What’s wrong with me?” can not only be frustrating, but it’s also confusing. You start to believe that maybe you’re disillusioning yourself, imagining symptoms that you’ve read somewhere online while trying to figure out what’s happening to you. You question if you’re becoming a hypochondriac, or that people aren’t taking you seriously enough. Doubt spreads, but then your symptoms flair again and suddenly you’re so sure that something is happening, but you still don’t understand what. People may be sympathetic to you, or they might be tired of you talking their ears off with theories and research. When you finally get to see a doctor, they have to get to know you and it takes time to evaluate you before coming to any conclusions, which is usually a long process. I have a million thoughts in my mind, including theories and the whole “I match 8 out of 9 of the qualifying symptoms of this disorder when you only need 5”, but when I sit in front of Mr. or Mrs. PhD, I can’t remember anything I’m supposed to say.
AnIf you’re like me, you might feel like you are under-diagnosed with multiple things, not just one disorder. That can be all the more confusing. Essentially, if you do have these things, you’re learning what it means to have two or more unfamiliar disorders at the same time. You have to try to figure out “Is this symptom from this disorder, or that one?”. It could be both. Sometimes, the trigger is the key. If something made me upset, it’s disorder A, but if nothing caused it, it could be disorder B, or the disorder I’m already diagnosed with and familiar of. It’s a science, but maybe not an exact one, and I’m not a trained scientist. I just science on the weekends.
Thank you again for listening to me babble on about random things. I know I can’t be the only one who suffers from not knowing what’s going on. It’s like I’m zoomed into a picture, and I have to slowly take steps backwards before I can see the entire piece. Until then, I must be patient. If you or someone you know is struggling, please get help. Soon I’ll be tackling what to do if you cannot get help, so stay tuned. Thank you!
I wanted to write about Traumatic Brain Injuries since March was “Brain Injury Awareness Month”, but for the life of me I couldn’t concentrate long enough to research the topic. Why is that? I ran out of my antidepressant medication this week.
If you battle a mental illness that requires medicine in order for you to behave like a functioning member of society, it can be devastating to lose that medicine, even temporarily.
Before I ran out of my medicine, I was making unusually good progress with my overall mood and productivity. My motivation wasn’t its normal slumped self, so I felt almost on top of the world. Of course, this could be partially due to a potentially undiagnosed bipolar disorder (I’m currently working with a few doctors to get a more full, more updated diagnosis). But then, due to health insurance lapse issues and unexpected doctor appointment re-scheduling, I ran out of my “happy pill” a few days ago.
I’ve been on at least one antidepressant for a majority of a year (this time around), and unfortunately this isn’t the first time I’ve gone cold turkey. If fact, the worst depressive episode I’ve ever experienced was in wake of running out of health insurance, and subsequently my medication as well. I can’t even recall how long I went without any help, but it was probably around a year. And it was an absolutely miserable year. It was the year I dropped out of college, and almost committed suicide. It was the year I spent doing absolutely nothing, because I simply couldn’t make myself move. I wasn’t even able to do simple tasks such as sweeping the kitchen floor without getting completely overwhelmed. Just the thought of it put me in tears, literally. That’s the power of Major Depressive Disorder, or as my most recent diagnosis states, Recurrent Depression, which, from what I understand, is even more long term than regular MDD. That year broke me more than any other pain I’ve felt in my life (which is really saying something), and it was all in my head.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1(800)273-8255
This time around, I’ve been on an antidepressant that was helping me function to an extent, but I still had more bad or mixed days than I should have. Of course, if I were to skip a day by accident, then the following day would be pretty rough for me, so I know it’s still a necessary medication for me.
Depression affects your ability to regulate your mood, it affects your concentration, and it affects your ability to feel enjoyment in things, to name a few symptoms. Typically, my lack of motivation is one of my biggest foes when it comes to completing daily life activities. It’s not just a mental feeling or emotion, either. It fills my muscles and soul with invisible, intangible weights. Sometimes, even breathing feels like it’s too heavy a burden. How can you get basic tasks fulfilled when you don’t even want to breathe? You don’t.
A few common coping methods I implore are sleeping, watching TV, or playing on my phone. It’s not exactly the best set coping habits, but it gets me by. I call a “mental health day” and tell myself to take the day off. Sometimes I limit it to a few hours, max. Sometimes I do it until I feel better, or until I’m forced to get up. I’m aware that sometimes this just makes me worse off, but at the moment it feels comforting. Now that the weather’s getting nicer I’ve been trying to get outside more, even if it’s just sitting on the back porch. I bring my infant son out there at times to let him get some sunshine as well, and to introduce him to the world outside our four walls. It’s beneficial for both of us.
Completely free, always open, and confidential helpline for when talking is not your preferred method of contact. Text 741741.
I have an appointment for next month, but until then I’m scrambling by to try to get a refill until I can be seen again, but it’s not easy. I have to try though. I don’t want to lay down and let my disabilities run me over, trapping me into the dirt and the poverty line of life. I want more for myself and my little family. In today’s society, we can’t afford for me to not have an income. Even though I have at least two qualifying disabilities to put me out of commission, that doesn’t mean life just stops and my aspirations will fulfill themselves. It doesn’t work that way unfortunately. I’ve seen what that path looks like, and I don’t want to struggle like that. All I can do is work my butt off, go to the doctor as needed, and pray that’s enough to get me by; to let me succeed. Until then, I have to do my best, whatever that means. If my best is only getting out of bed and making sure I’ve eaten at least once that day, then that’s all I can ask for out of myself. I try to not become complacent as well, since that will just make me think it’s okay to give up and succumb to the darkness. One day at a time, one week at a time. Sometimes, it’s one second at a time, but I’m still moving forward, even if it’s just tiny steps.
Update: If you’re struggling, please reach out for help. If you’re also battling the system as well as yourself, I hope you can find relief until things can look sunny again. I was able to get my medicine refilled with the doctor that originally prescribed it to me, thankfully. I feel like I owe that man a thank you card and a fruit basket for all he’s done for me and my family. Finding good providers can be the difference between healing and diving deeper into an illness sometimes. I’ve been lucky, especially over this past year, but I know the battle’s never over. Every day I have a breath in me means another day of fighting to get better or stay better, but it’s a fight that’s always worth it, I promise you that. Thank you for reading. I hope that my words can help someone know that they aren’t alone, and that it is possible to get through the darkest days. Things do get better; you just have to be around to see it. You have to find ways to stay alive to see the sunrise after a hard, dark night.
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If you or someone you know are potentially in immediate danger, please reach out to someone who can help. Don’t forget that there are helplines and texting lines that you can contact in times of crisis. If nothing else, call emergency services like 911. I’ll leave some information about a few of these resources down below. Don’t hesitate. It can save a life. Thank you.
It has come to my attention that recently we had “World Bipolar Day” on March 30th. For anyone who is not aware, this is a day in which people are encouraged to freely speak out about the disorder, in hopes to bring awareness and find ways to support those affected by this condition. While I am not entirely new to the idea of what Bipolar Disorder is, I’d figured that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to brush up on it all. A quick Google search leads me to a few interesting things. Here’s what I’ve found….
Below is a set of infographics I stumbled upon while researching bipolar disorder. They are provided by Google, cited from various websites. Click the images below to open the gallery.
Unfortunately, due to the nature of screenshotting these images, I had to split them into pieces. Full search information at here. Please consult a doctor for medical advice. This infographic was provided by Google, cited from various sources. See more information here.
While various websites and organizations have weighed in on the topic, the general definition for Bipolar Disorder is “a disorder that is associated with episodes of mood swings, ranging from depressive lows to manic highs”. However, I feel like that doesn’t paint the full picture. People with Bipolar Disorder usually are sub-categorized into groups known as “Bipolar I”, “Bipolar II” “Bipolar III”, and “Bipolar – Uncategorized (IV & V)”, which are differentiated by Northpoint Recovery as the following:
Bipolar V: (Unspecified Subtype) Genetic Bipolar Disorder, when a person suffers from Depression only, despite a family history of Bipolar Disorder.
In case you aren’t a mental health physician, here are some simplified definitions to be aware of. These definitions were pulled from different sources in order to try to provide a wide range of resources and reading materials associated with all symptoms. Likewise, these definitions may slightly vary in other locations. With the exception of depression, these terms can sometimes be described with the same phrases or definitions, despite being used differently, and are different with similar characteristics.
Mania: An abnormally elevated mood state characterized by such symptoms as inappropriate elation, increased irritability, severe insomnia, grandiose notions, increased speed and/or volume of speech, disconnected and racing thoughts, increased sexual desire, markedly increased energy and activity level, poor judgment, and inappropriate social behavior.
Hypomania: A mood state or energy level that is elevated above normal, but not so extreme as to cause impairment — the most important characteristic distinguishing it from mania.
Depression: A mood disorder that causes distressing symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working.
Cyclothymia: Relating to or being a mood disorder characterized by alternating episodes of depression and elation in a form less severe than that of bipolar disorder.
While I know that I’m no doctor and that I cannot diagnose myself, by definition, I should be diagnosed with at least Bipolar V. Of course, you usually don’t hear about Bipolar V at all, so there is limited information available on this. If you believe you need to be evaluated, please speak with your physician or mental health counselor. Mainly, the discussion is based around Bipolar I and Bipolar II. This is what Northpoint had to say about these conditions:
The main difference between type 1 and type 2 bipolar is full manic episodes. Bipolar II patients don’t go beyond hypomania. Second, bipolar II disorder has more frequent cycling than bipolar I disorder. It also has a more chronic course than type 1. When it comes to diagnosis, it is much easier to confirm bipolar 1 than bipolar 2. This is because type 1 looks for evidence of a manic episode. Type 2 depends on identifying hypomania after emerging from a depressive state. Bipolar II patients are more likely to commit suicide than those with bipolar I disorder.
NorthpointRecovery.com
If you’d like to learn more about each subtype, the Northpoint Recovery website has a lot of good information to get started. Think of it as your Bipolar Encyclopedia for both beginners and more-seasoned readers. They also, like the name suggests, have resources available about addiction recovery as well.
As far as research goes, we can discuss facts all day, but living with the condition —like anything in the health sector— is much different than reading about it on paper (or screen). This video below describes what it’s like to live with a condition like Bipolar Disorder. As you may notice, there’s a lot more under the surface than numbers, statistics, and diagnostic symptoms. Living with a mental illness is more than just a slight inconvenience; it’s a daily struggle.
While those who suffer with Bipolar and other disorders have the unfortunate job of struggling this condition, we can help support them. Raise awareness by sharing this article, or by finding ways to speak out about it’ Listen to those affected by it; Seek help if needed, for yourself or for others; Rally for better mental health care; And most of all, know that you are not alone. Have a good day everyone, from one advocate to another.
Bonus Resources: Want to read more about Bipolar Disorder? Check out these articles!
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @IndieBrainer and on Pinterest as well! Links below! Let’s discuss Bipolar Disorder and anything else mental health related! I hope to hear from you soon and I’ll see you again on Wednesday.
🙂 Don’t forget to share this blog as well. Thank you for the support. 🙂
Hello again! I just wanted to share a quick update on where you can find more IndieBrainer content!
Let’s start with the newest one: Pinterest! Here you will find a large amount of content to scroll through. This mainly includes sharing content of similar creators and bloggers in order to sum up the current trends and spread information. In the future, I will probably be pulling a lot of my links and infographics from here, so stay tuned!
IndieBrainer / bringmetheraindrops
As you may already know, I’m on Twitter. This is the best way to reach out to me at the moment. Here, I post the most relevant links when it comes to mental health, psychology, and brain news. This may include re-Tweets and original content as well. Let’s have a discussion! @IndieBrainer
Have other social media sites I should check out? Let me know! Know someone I should follow? Hit me up? Let’s gather as much content in one place as we can to build an unofficial “brainer” encyclopedia of knowledge, news, and stories!
Today, I will be (try to) brief and get straight to the point. I won’t lie, I might sound all jumbled. I myself am having trouble concentrating today, but I wanted to bring you guys something. It’s been a rough week for me, and although I’m working on my personal and educational projects today, I need to acknowledge the importance of taking a break when necessary and giving yourself some extra TLC.
Today is #SelfCareSunday. Today, I want you to look at what’s happening with you, right now. I want you to ask yourself the question “Am I okay?”. If you find yourself a little (or a lot) stressed out lately, then make sure to give yourself some time for extra self care. Do you feel bad that you forgot to respond to that email or left someone on read? Are you having trouble getting through the day without struggling with anxiety or guilt? I want you to try to relax, and forgive yourself. You’re doing your best, even if that means something different for you.
Bob Ross, a man who personally inspires me to keep going, even if I mess up.
Story time: One thing I will talk about in more detail in a future post is that I am a college dropout. This is something that has haunted me for the last several years. Like many people, I try to not go through life with regrets, but this is one I tend to beat myself up for. I suffer from anxiety and depression. This caused me to lose motivation to do my assignments, and I fell behind, hard. As a self-titled “overachiever”, this only worsened my issues. When I officially ended my enrollment, I felt horrible about it. I had thoughts such as “I could’ve done better. I didn’t do my best”. My problem was that I confused what I could physically accomplish with what I could mentally accomplish. Yes, I technically could walk to my laptop, sit down, and type words and read articles. But mentally, I couldn’t pull myself to move. I couldn’t find the energy to fight. My muscles and soul felt as heavy as bricks. I was drowning, even though physically I should have been able to. This caused years of thinking I had screwed up my life.
Of course, at age 20-ish, everything felt like a big deal. As a Generation Y emerging adult (not millennial, officially), I felt like my life was on a deadline, and if I fell behind, I would be forever doomed. Talking to my peers, they felt it too. So dropping out of college felt like I fell off a cliff. What was below, was despair and self-hate.
Eventually, I came across something someone said online. The wording wasn’t as memorable, but it essentially said that even though you aren’t doing as much as other people, that doesn’t mean you aren’t doing your best. Everyone’s best is different, and you shouldn’t hold yourself to a higher standard than what you can handle. When I heard this, it was like a switch went off in my head. Suddenly, years of guilt that I could’ve tried harder turned into understanding and took me to the path of self forgiveness. People tend to forget this part when it comes to self care. It’s not just a physical action (like showering) or a mental one (like relaxing via recreational hobbies or meditation), ― it’s also about finding peace with yourself.
“I walked out of my Crossfit box the other day sobbing.” At Barbell Asana, Crossfitter and yoga teacher Erica Varlese writes about taking a break from Crossfit so her body can retrain and heal.
On another note, I came across this article today and I think it could be very inspirational. To anyone who has ever needed a break to step back, reevaluate, and recover, this is for you. Sometimes, we all just need to remember to look at the wider picture and sit back for a while, whether that be a day or a decade. (Of course, let’s hope it’s not a decade long process). People love come-back stories because it’s all about renewal and redemption. It’s about coming back fresh; both being the same person you were, and also simultaneously a new person with peace, perspective, and wisdom. It can take a physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual form. You never know where the path will take you, but when done right, it can make a world of difference (for the better).
Take time to yourself today, and whenever you need it. It’s important to your health and well-being. Breathe. Meditate. Sleep in. Hit pause on the chores. Eat that slice of soul-food cake if it helps. Just remember to do it all in moderation. Taking one day off to watch TV is okay. But allowing yourself to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms can make things worse. Today for this #SelfCareSunday make sure to keep a balance of the good and the indulgent. However, more than anything, don’t feel bad for taking a much needed day off. It’s important. Don’t let anyone, or yourself, shame you for being the person you need to be. With that, happy #SelfCareSunday.
Join the conversation with me on Twitter @IndieBrainer, or use the #SelfCareSunday and #ForgiveYourself hashtags. Share your story. I look forward to seeing you there!
-Courtney.
Nowadays, I usually self care by watching TV or spending time with my son and boyfriend. Even though I’m not a social butterfly, they are some of the few people I couldn’t live without. But of course, who couldn’t love those faces?
Note: Feel free to share this article on social media or with friends. I will be updating my blog format soon to add new features, such as a new tabs and links. Right now, my blogs are weekly updated with a more frequent schedule on the horizon.
The Indie Brainer 